Why do many women overlook integrity as a leadership strategy?
Years ago, I stood and waved as my children boarded the bus for their first camp in Durban. They were excited, chatting with friends and then there was no looking back.
That moment reminded me of a lesson that many women learn too late: It's better to have your own life.
Motherhood is sacred, but it should never be considered your only identity. Yet in all cultures, especially in Africa, women are taught that being a “good mother” or a “good wife” means total sacrifice. Destroying yourself to prove love. And then, one day, when the kids leave or the marriage changes, you're left asking, “Who am I now?”
Designing a life around your children, not inside them
When both of my children were in boarding school in the UK, my son in Oxford and my daughter near Canterbury, I decided to make every trip purposeful. During that season, I also enrolled in short executive programs at Saeed Business School, Oxford and Cambridge Judge Business School. I planned each trip, including focused time with each child, walking, talking, sharing meals and, separately, a few days for my own learning.
Those trips became some of the richest chapters of my life. I deepened my knowledge, earned certifications, and showed my children by example that personal growth never ends.
They saw me pursuing my goals and dedicating time to them.
They saw that I was available but not inactive. Present, but not lost.
This is leadership by design, not by guilt.
This approach may look different for each family, but the principle remains: Champion parenting doesn't need to sacrifice itself, especially if it later leads to blaming your children for the sacrifices you chose to make.
Mom guilt is real, but it's not a strategy
A mom recently messaged me:
“I've been trying hard to get myself back together for the last six months. Motherhood is rewarding but hard. Your post reminded me to stay on track.”
I understand this deeply. There were seasons when I intentionally put off outside commitments, intentionally designing the school holidays in July, August, and December as sacred family time. But when the term started again, I returned to my purpose.
When my children were in primary school in South Africa, I often felt a quiet tug-of-war between devotion and scarcity. In St. Stithians, I saw moms who spent the whole day at school, dropping off kids, waiting at cafes, and attending every game. It seemed as if she was made for motherhood.
I wasn't sure I was. I loved my children very much, but I also knew that I could not create a life like theirs.
There were days when I was so tired that I hid in the bathroom to take a breath. Sometimes I would, guilt-free, extend business trips by a few days to let my dad or grandparents in. Those moments taught me something invaluable: You don't have to do everything to be enough.
Balance isn't about having it all; It's about doing what matters most each season. But too often, women slip from “I chose to stay” to “I forgot who I am.”
Mom guilt can quietly undermine your influence. It whispers that ambition makes you selfish, comfort makes you careless, and wanting more makes you less motherly. That lie has crippled many talented women and, as a result, their families.
suffering olympics
My first daughter said in a recent video on Instagram:
“No woman has ever been rewarded for suffering unjustly. Yet some people behave as if it's a competition to see who sacrificed the most.”
That line made me smile and attracted a lot of interesting comments from African women around the world.
It's not just about motherhood; It's a mentality. A generation of women have learned to prove worth through stamina rather than excellence, and earn recognition through suffering rather than importance. But a life driven by guilt is not sustainable leadership. If you limit your life entirely to parenting or marriage, you may raise children who are materially successful but carry the invisible weight of your unfulfilled dreams.
Parenting as Leadership: Strong Roots, Strong Branches
My real conversation here is not just about motherhood; It's about leadership. As mothers, we are the first leaders our children know. And true leadership is not about control; It's about farming.
When your roots are strong, your branches grow. Your children become more confident when you are there. Smarter than you.
They reflect your peace, your strength and your outlook.
Hovering over your kids doesn't make you unloving; It just makes them dependent. The purpose, growth, and joy of modeling shows them what life looks like to the fullest.
love is not meant to destroy you
During a recent conversation with my daughter, we laughed when she said,
“Mom, I enjoy seeing you live by the same principles I now live by.”
We discussed how easy it is for women, especially mothers, to lose themselves in their roles. Many women behave as if the best thing for them is their husband or their children. And that kind of attachment, no matter how well-intentioned, can quietly turn into frustration.
If your husband is the best thing in your life, maybe you need to get a life.
If your children are the center of your world, it may be time to re-center yourself.
This is not neglect; This is balance. To love wholely means to nourish from abundance, not from lack or desperation. It's about creating an ecosystem where everyone thrives, not making your life revolve around others until you disappear. Because when your identity depends entirely on having needs, your peace ends the moment they are no longer needed.
For those who don't have a choice
Of course, not every woman has this flexibility. Those raising children with special needs or doing it alone often don't have the luxury of “finding themselves.” They deserve support, not judgment. Therefore families and especially fathers should come forward. The African family model still behaves as if the mother is the only parent in the room. This has to be changed. A society which ignores its mothers cannot raise perfect children.
Big Lesson: Perfection is Strategy
This is not a parenting column. This is a leadership. Because it reflects how we parent, how we live and how we love.
You cannot pour from an empty self.
You cannot show courage if you have never taken a risk.
You can't raise adventurous kids if you stay small.
So yes, motherhood is sacred. But you are also like that. And your wholeness, your self-awareness, your joy, your growth, is not enjoyment. This is a strategy.
Because at the end of the day, when women live life to the fullest, everyone wins.
Udo Marianne Okonjo: President, Fine & Country West Africa | Founder, Radiant Collective Capital. Women, money and power – challenging norms. wealth creation. Changing the future.
